


secret, sacred, scared

by amandaskankovich



Series: you're the answer [8]
Category: Shameless (US)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-27
Updated: 2014-09-27
Packaged: 2018-02-18 22:41:07
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 848
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2364659
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/amandaskankovich/pseuds/amandaskankovich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Words that look the same get harder to tell apart if you look at them long enough.</p>
            </blockquote>





	secret, sacred, scared

(Secret)  
Words that look the same get harder to tell apart if you look at them long enough.  
(Sacred)  
She wasn’t avoiding Karen.  
(Scared)  
She hadn’t been anyway.  
(Secret)  
It just sort of happened.  
(Sacred)  
She couldn’t make herself pick up the phone.  
(Scared)  
Couldn’t make herself go to her house.  
(Secret)  
And then one day just turned into another.  
(Sacred)  
And then before she knew it too many days had passed.  
(Scared)  
And it was when she realized Karen hadn’t been coming to her house.  
(Secret)  
And Karen had not been texting her. And they’d never done this to each other before. Never gone this long without each other.

Punished each other.

*  
Mickey goes back to juvie and Mandy wonders if Karen knows. But how could Karen know? Karen who trusted Mickey enough to get drunk and fall asleep in his bed and know she’d be okay.  
He’d never hurt her.  
Last time he’d gone inside she’d made him cookies.  
Peanut butter.  
They were over cooked and burnt on the edges and Karen had wanted to start over but Mandy had said don’t bother.  
"He’ll eat them anyway."  
And he had of course he had.  
She’d want to know.  
So screw this chasm she’d created.  
She’d jump across it anyway.  
For platonic burnt cookie love.  
(Sacred)  
*  
"Oh Mandy honey! It’s so good to see you!" Shiela hugs her and she smells like fancy hotel soap or what Mandy imagines that would smell like anyway. Immediately she is trying to feed her. Already searching the cabinets for something to make. Mandy tells her that’s not necessary but it’s no use.   
So Mandy asks for something simple.  
"Grilled cheese?"  
And Shiela is on it immediately.  
"Karen’s in the basement." Shiela says handing Mandy one sandwich cut in half.  
"Oh," Mandy says.  
(Scared)  
*  
But it’s not as bad as she’s expecting.  
That’s not to say that it’s anything good.  
Just Karen sitting all alone.  
There’s a movie playing and she’s staring but she’s not seeing it.  
There’s a cigarette between her fingers but she’s not smoking it.  
"Hey," Mandy says holding out the plate meekly, "Hungry?"  
Karen looks at her and doesn’t say anything.  
"Mickey’s in juvie." Mandy offers.  
Karen doesn’t say anything.  
"He punched a cop."  
Karen blinks.  
"And no I don’t know why."  
(Secret)  
*  
Maybe she’s been down her for days.  
That is a real possibility.  
Cacooned herself in the bedspread she brought from her room. Entombed herself in the last room her father had lived in before he left for good, forever.  
"Would you please say something?"   
Mandy’s not good at please and she can only try it once.  
And when Karen still says nothing she puts down the plate on a small table because she doesn’t want to break something else of Shiela who’s always so kind.  
And then she is jumping on the couch. Crawling over. Grabbing Karen. Sitting on her stomach. Pinning down her wrists. Screaming, “I’m sorry you bitch!”  
And Karen squirms free screaming, “Get the fuck off!”  
"Oh so you can talk!"  
"Get the fuck off of me Mandy!"  
And Mandy is not prepared for Karen lifting a leg up and kicking her in the stomach knocking out her air.  
Mandy falls away gasping for breath but does not remove herself from the coach.  
"I warned you," Karen says.  
"Fuck you," Mandy mumbles when she can finally make words again.  
"Yeah, okay," Karen says crawling towards her pulling her face towards hers.  
Mandy breathes in deep when she finally can.  
(Sacred)  
*  
"What’s happening to us?" Mandy asks in the dark in the basement. The tv’s off and Shiela’s probably sleeping.  
"Don’t pretend you don’t know," Karen says, "Don’t you get that makes it so much worse?"  
Mandy puts her hand in Karen’s. Or Karen puts her hand in Mandy’s.  
Does it really matter who did it first.  
(Probably.)  
"I’m not asking for you to call me your fucking girlfriend in front of everyone."  
"I know."  
Mandy put her hand in Karen’s.  
Mandy put her hand in Karen’s.  
"And yeah I know you would have picked him first. If there was even a chance. I get that. It fucking sucks but you know what? I actually don’t really care anymore."  
"Karen…"  
"So I’m second choice. I want my first."  
Mandy tries not to cry as a rule. It doesn’t fix anything. It doesn’t change anything.  
You just end up with a headache.  
And you’re still pregnant.  
Your mom’s still dead.  
He’s still gay.  
You still hurt her.  
So it’s a waste of time.  
"I’d round that up and say I won."  
Mandy doesn’t cry as a rule.  
Mandy’s face is in her shoulder.  
"I’m so fucked up," Mandy whispers.  
"Oh who isn’t." Karen says.  
She presses her forehead to Mandy’s.  
"So what do we do?" Mandy asks.  
"I have no fucking clue," Karen says, "but I love you."  
"Yeah," Mandy nods.  
"And I want you."  
"Yeah?"  
Karen nods.  
"And you love me?"  
And Mandy nods.  
"Okay then," Karen says, "I guess we’re making progress."  
"You need some tissue?" Karen asks.  
And Mandy nods.


End file.
